When our drill instructor demanded an explanation, the man bellowed, This recruit has proved himself worthless and weak and is being mailed home to his mother!. Picking up some unidentifiable gear, I said, I didnt get one of these! Air Traffic Control 6. Our bases Army Exchange Service carried a particular brand of underarm deodorant that I liked and bought for years. Soldier: No, SIR!. You will not live long enough to make all of them yourself. But my fears were put to rest one day while getting into formation, which was determined by height. 49. Did it work? Caller: Do you have his right number? A military base commander called to complain that the weather-forecasting software our company created for them kept reporting unexplainable wind shifts. In this great little clip, an SR-71 pilot tells a story about flying around the Western United States to build up crew hours when small plane pilots started calling into air traffic control to ask . My friend, an Air Force officer, was riding his scooter when he passed an airman who didnt salute. A senior chief prompted his 25 sailors by saying, I have an easy job for the laziest man here. 2. 1. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal, 22. A LOOtenant! Dont think so? 32. The Coast Guard often gets its share of jokes starting with the fact that it was formerly part of the Department of Transportation (now Homeland Security) and not the Department of Defense . P | Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. Learn from the mistakes of others. The only time you have too much fuel is when youre on fire. Full Disclosure Here. 3. Explaining the use of the controls to a student "If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. Our puns and jokes are here for the soldiers as well as everyone else to enjoy. What do you use on your face to keep it so smooth? I During orientation at Fort Sill, in Oklahoma, our first sergeant stated that if anyone lost his locker key to see him, as he kept a master key in his office. The captain returned my salute and responded, LMD 67. 41. What happened Sergeant? All you have to do is remove the dirt.. One day, the pilot of a single-engine Cherokee was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. Cabin Attendant Two-legged mobile device for extracting cash from a captive audience, 56. All of a sudden, a lieutenant pulls up, hops out, and asks Is your car stuck sir?, The general climbs out, hands his keys over, and slides into the lieutenants car before saying, Nope. 43. Two PFCs are walking down the street and one of them says, Oh look, a dead bird. The other PFC looks at the sky and says, Where? ! Hotel/Car Rental Shuttle Bus Vehicle subject to paranormal effects. S | Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. Why did the Soldier bring a blanket to an active battle zone? You had tents?, USAF: Birds My granddaughters husband was complaining about how spellcheck changes the meaning of e-mails when an Air Force officer told him this story: Hed sent a message to 300 of his My dad and uncles were all in the Army during wartime, but only two of the three served overseas. We are currently looking for former Marines to join the team who are interested in writing about tactical gear, survival gear, hiking supplies, etc. 54. He says, Anyway, enough about me. The reason? Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. Why Do We Celebrate It? Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one.". A sailor and a marine are both in the bathroom peeing. Now he likes peanuts.. You might be a Coastie if a cruise does not sound like a vacation to you. He grabbed a bagel and took a seat. Eternal Piece Are you sure you followed the recipe?. An airplane! 10. In college, my freshman-year roommate was in ROTC and came from a long line of military men. Ocean Pearl, I answered. What do you call a second lieutenant surrounded by PFCs? Unless you pull the stick too far back, then they get bigger again very quickly". One day you will walk out to your aircraft NOT KNOWING that it is your last flight. Of course, he responded. P | Engine noise at an unbelievable high level. Whats the main mission of the Marine Corps? Here are some favorites from rallypoint.com: Oh, youre a troop who survived pepper spray AND mustard gas? Airline Club Lounge Paradise like kingdom guarded by dragon-like creatures, 59. A tank ran over a bag of popcorn and apparently, two kernels were killed! 5. Co-Pilot: What?!. "As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position", 18. What do you use on your face to keep it so smooth? I asked. Where is your foxhole, Lieutenant? I asked. No copyright required, as all content is freely available on 1,000s of websites. Yes, said the lieutenant. What do you call a deer thats enlisted in the Air Force? OHH OHOH! Every military branch thinks that theyre the best, the most important, and in their own way the hardest working. Known to bicker and make fun of each other often, its likely that those in the military have a good sense of humor. Whats the difference between God and a fighter pilot? Anecdotes 2. Fish Food. Aboard a troop carrier crossing the Atlantic, I noticed a seasick pal of mine losing it over the railing alongside several other soldiers. Proceed at your own risk. Large mahogany desk.. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I will not charge you. Whats the difference between a fighter pilot and a fighter jet? Because hes a captain in the Air Force. Mother, As the general inspected our troops, he asked some of the Marines which outfit they were serving with. What do Marines have in common with other members of the Armed Forces? However, a great landing is one where you can use the airplane again afterwards. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment. He would never get on my nerves, because he would always be gone. Why is the United States Air Force the most patriotic military branch? Anytime someone asked what his father did, hed say, Hes in the Army. I told him Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Caller: Is Sgt. Then the sergeant announced that everyone would get a three-day pass except me. What are you doing? I asked. It was carefully encased in a Tupperware container and came with this note: Dick, when youre finished, can you mail back my container?. S | Engine found on right wing after brief search. USMC: OHH! 8. We were an Air Force family, but our son could not grasp that fact. Louis, I grumbled. They sure grow up fast, dont they?. Marines Say OOOOORAH! "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. Katees passion for writing and fascination for language has forever guided her path in life. Theres a post recall and he went to work. If pilots screw up, they die. Not to mention, when spending many hours deployed and away from home, telling jokes and connecting through humor is the best way to avoid the difficulty of real life. "He who is first will soon be last, and now I know what he means," King said, referencing a lyric from Bob Dylan as he reflected on what the race . What do pilots and air traffic controllers have in common? They all originally set out to become Marines. There are optimists and pessimists in aviation. As a pilot only two bad things can happen to you and eventually one of them will. 30. "Last one off the plane has to clean it", 25. He told them "you must find your own way to this beach head for 0600 tomorrow morning, there you will be tested like never before". To begin with, the U.S. in early 2022 had 38,500 troops stationed on German soil almost 40% of the total number it deploys in all of Europe. Fighter Training Manual You know your landing gear is UP and LOCKED when it takes full power to taxi to your parking spot. Basically, if you click on a product link on this site and buy that product we get a small commission at no extra cost to you. 50. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. You have plenty of time. Jack Girard. Keeping it safe for democracy. Lori Shandle-Fox. I asked an employee whether they still carried my deodorant. 4. You do know that he could get ill from the bacteria on the toilet. I was stationed in England with the Air Force when I went to a local barber. Navy and CG Say HOOOOOYAH! Marine Approved is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associate Program. USN: Helos It is the law; and it's not subject to repeal. What do you call a military officer who goes to the bathroom a lot? Instructed a private in the mess hall to look for left-handed spatulas Later, I spoke with Mom. In his free time, he enjoys hunting, hiking, running, shooting guns, and reviewing gear. While everyone was concentrating on the task at hand, I held up a spare pin and asked, Has anyone seen my grenade?. 39. As the general inspected our troops, he asked some of the Marines which outfit they were serving with. Well, I, too, am a SEASONED Veteran! 37. U.S. Navy Warship: This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. However, one day he came into the room whistling with a smile on his face. 2) American combat dolphins, deployed in the Persian Gulf, surrounded and captured an Iranian battleship. After my niece returned from her second tour in Iraq, I remarked how beautiful her complexion looked. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck. The flight attendant on our trip was handing out plastic pilot wings to some kids. An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess" He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. Trask (his last name) used that heritage to lord it over me. Some are jokes that only the U.S. Air Force can understand while others are jokes made about those who are USAF members. A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. One day, I was told to report to my commanding officer, who ordered me to escort Ms. Raye. It was sheer brilliance. The ships operations officer entered the messdeck, his eyes bleary and at half-mast. The military has a long, proud tradition of pranking recruits. In the 60s, the CIA hatched a plan to implant a battery and a microphone in a cat so the furry feline could spy on unsuspecting targets. Pilot "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. For example, heres what happens when each of them is told to secure a building. Its a NO FLY zone! Evidently, one of my classmates found the talk less than stimulating and fell asleep. P | Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. But before I could get out, he pointed to the other end of the building and said, The band entrance is that way. Gordon Van Otteren. The Marine took off his boots and began to stretch out. 3. So I quit ordering it.. One day, I was told As part of my Naval Reserve requirements at Emory University Dental School, I attended a talk about proper dental procedures following nuclear warfare. I felt confident as I aimed and squeezed the trigger of my carbine for my first During a combat medical training class, the topic was blast injuries. Pizza de Resistance If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance", To this, Warren replied, "Joy that helicopter is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid", The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. What grades do you need to get to join the Navy? Bomber Pilots Do Them Too. Auld Lang Slice 27. You had tents?" Theyre U.S. AF! When a Navy fighter pilot saw this, he decided to approach the man and see what he was doing. Attention! This program is designed to provide a way for websites to earn advertising fees by linking to Amazon. and some others fell to the ground quickly and did their push-ups. As the soldiers disembarked, they started to jeer and boo. Me: No, I dont. Flight Announcements 4. Good news and bad news, my instructor said. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the lights to return to the airport, 52. To the Soldiers surprise, the Marine was laughing about it. Hey, Im from Chicago too!. 130 Best Aviation Humor ideas | aviation humor, humor, aviation Aviation Humor 129 Pins 1y S Collection by STS Aviation Group Share Similar ideas popular now Humor Funny Military Humor Aviation Fuel Aviation Humor Aviation Technology Airbus Boeing Airline Humor Airline Reservations People Fly Flight Attendant Life LinkedIn Aviation Quotes Return to Humor Index. Pilots 5. I enjoyed the humor section quite a bit. Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board. In the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments, 23. The irate sergeant scrambled back up amid guffaws and barked, Those who laughed, get down and give me 20! A.J. Chicago. No, we dont, she said. Please do not leave children or spouses, 14. Even those who work in relation to the military, such as the Department of Defense, or know someone that has served, are bound to find a few of these hilarious. My grandpa Bob was in the Navy. Soldier: No way, you guys had air conditioners? 4. Bad altitude. The soldier remarked, How long was I in there for?. This poor old fool, thought the Navy officer, so he invited the old man inside to buy him a drink. Dad always bragged about the gunners on his ship. Then came Dads ships turn. What do you call a training sergeant whos very kind and respectful? 46. Attention! ", The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with "I made it out of DC-8 parts. If you have a military joke you think our readers would like then send it to military_jokes@strategyworld.com. Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers. 44. Later, I spoke with Mom. While drinking their beers, the smart-ass fighter pilot decided to ask, How many did you end up catching today.. When I was a Navy student pilot, I visited the home of a classmate. One stated they would love to work on a submarine. What kind of grades do you need to have in order to join the Navy? Airman: The worst was when the air conditioner in our tent broke and it was 110 outside! (pointing at the sky). While serving in Vietnam, my friend and his buddies were hunkered down in a mud-filled hole that had been dug into the side of a berm and covered with lumber for protection. I thought I was on top of my game that day, Comedian Martha Raye was a great supporter of the military and made many trips to Vietnam to entertain the troops. 35. Im throwing up just as far as the rest of these guys.. Ordered a private to bring back a five-gallon can of dehydrated water (in fact, the sergeant just wanted an empty water can). A cookie and a piece of cake joined the army, but eventually, they abandoned their fellow soldiers. If you want it any closer than that, youll have to bite em off from the inside.. Why won't you kiss me? 18. We were a tough group. What would you do if you came upon an injured man with a steering wheel embedded in his chest? Nervous and unsure, I blurted out, Drive him to the hospital? For some reason, the rest of the room found this hilarious. 4. When I told him I had no clue how to make soup, he handed me a cookbook and instructed, Follow the directions carefully. These pilots' jokes can easily be turned into a pilot pun and other airlines' jokes. The optimist invests the aeroplane and the pessimist invents the parachute. 14 Funniest Military Jokes Ever (2022 Edition), How to Unregister a Gun in your Name? Emergency Checklist Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it. Ramrod straight, each would respond, Marine Air Group 36, sir or Second Marine Division, General. Then there was one young private. A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. Having been an architectural draftsman in civilian life, I raised my hand. He snapped off a salute and responded, I dont know, sir! Turning to the sergeant, he asked, Gunnery, where is my foxhole? One of the reasons the Air Force, Army, Navy, and Marines bicker so much is because they dont speak the same language. The c.i.a. Youre the only one I can think of she wont be able to drink under the table.. He needed COVER! On-time Departure Cabin doors closed 15 minutes before scheduled departure time Subsequent delays are irrelevant. If it doesnt move, pick it up. A military private saying I learned this in boot camp I was very nervous, she said. A Recruiter Misled You. They know how to take up space. 3. Black said he jokes about getting a sense of what America thinks about its military by the movies that come out, and the only decent military movie in recent years, in his opinion, was "Top Gun . I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool. ", Continental 635 "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers", 53. 29. While waiting every one will come by multiple times except yours, 62. Was looking for the best candidate to fill a spot on a field team. Ask the Marines to secure a building and they will charge in, kill everybody inside, and then set up defenses to make sure nobody gets in. . ", The customs agent began his interrogation "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband, or illegal drugs in your possession? A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high. What did one panicking sailor say to the other? A drill serGENTLEMEN! It helps to keep the pilot cool. S | Almost replaced left inside main tire. When I spotted a Navy captain on the street, I saluted and bellowed, LST 395, which was the designation and number of the ship I served on during World War II. You might be in the Coast Guard if your idea of aromatherapy is Simple Green and JP5. The real definition of USCG is Uncle Sams Confused Group.. The danger of incident is no jokein 1985, a Japanese 747 airliner lost its tail midflight and plummeted into a mountain, killing 520 in the deadliest aircraft accident involving just one plane . During basic training at Fort Leavenworth, our sergeant asked if anyone had artistic abilities. While in Kuwait, shortly before we deployed to Iraq, a major general told our meeting that we should expect to cross into Iraq in less than 24 hours. He then My gunnery sergeant and I were inspecting a Marine training exercise when we spotted a second lieutenant ambling about. Do you know where the sensor is located? my coworker asked. 36. 10. I instantly knew I was in the right outfit when I looked around. Why arent there any insects in an Army base? An Army ranger, Air Force P.J., Navy seal, and a Recon Marine. Hazing the new guy, he said with a grin. (Sign over the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan). ", The engineer said, 'Look, I'm an engineer. 100 Hilarious Airplane Jokes That Are Surely to Take Off Unless you're a pilot, an aeronautical engineer, a hang-around traveler, or simply someone who enjoys aviation, airplane jokes are surely right up your alley. Types of Rifles Every Shooter Should Know About, Rifle Vs. Decodes 7. Takeoffs are optional. you cant do both. Discover the best military jokes with this expansive list that covers some old ones and some new ones to brighten your smile. However, the mood was brightened when he received a birthday cake from his sister. The two lads objected strongly. Upon the Vietnam war's conclusion a lot of money was invested in creating the next class of aircraft. They bought their four-year-old son two stuffed bears one in a UPS uniform and the other in Marine garb. Ocean Pearl, I answered. Everyone seemed OK with this order except for one confused recruit. Dad got quiet. I wanted to join the Marines but I fell just short of their requirements. The hotshot said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better". Individual use is by implied consent. They cant seem to string three Ws together. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. An Airman, Soldier, and Marine are sitting around talking about hardships they faced on their last deployment. [Easy] How to Clean Rust off of a Gun Without Damaging it? Why didnt the troop tell anyone about their rank in the military? Caller: Is Sgt. What do you call someone who joined the military out of spite? In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Unless you can be Batman. The Army will post guards around the building. It Bad Jokes That You Cant Help but Laugh At, Funny Photos That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud, Cheesy Pick-Up Lines Guaranteed to Get a Laugh, The Absolute Best Funny Movies of All Time, Weird Facts You Never Knew About Laughter, Work Cartoons to Help You Get Through the Week, Clever Wedding Jokes Perfect for Any Speech, We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer), Do Not Sell or Share My Personal Information. Why do members of the military often marry lovers from the foreign countries they were deployed in? So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. Officer: Thats no way to address an officer! 3) The pen used by the military meets 16 pages of military specs. 6. A drill serGENTLEMEN! DeFrigNo! "Ah", the fighter pilot remarked "The dreaded Seven-Engine approach", 12. The only time you have too much fuel is when youre on fire. It does look like its been fished out from the bottom of the sea.. I met his wife and baby and was impressed that he had all his flight gear During KP duty, my sergeant ordered me to prepare 100 gallons of soup for that nights dinner. Scan the list below to find some hilarious military one-liners that will make your Navy friend laugh like crazy. During KP duty, my sergeant ordered me to prepare 100 gallons of soup for that nights dinner. Thanks for coming back for me, the airman said, jumping on the back of the scooter. As A.J. We were a tough group. There was bound to be trouble, and I was right, because suddenly, he fell silenteyebrows arched, brain overloaded. Why doesnt the Army football team have a website? What do you call a Marine that has an IQ of 160? Then one day I couldnt find it. "The pilot was bothered by a noise in the engine," she replies. Major countries like the USA, India, Russia, and China have the . Between all the service branches there is a friendly rivalry that will always create jokes among the various branches. How do you know when your date with a fighter pilot is halfway over? Collective Military Hardships One day an airman, an Army soldier, and a Marine were talking about the hardships they faced during their last deployment. One day, convinced he could improve things, he told the head cook, If you give me a My granddaughter's husband was complaining about how spellcheck changes the meaning of e-mails when an Air Force officer told him this story: Hed sent a message to 300 of his personnel addressed to Dear Sirs and Maams. It was received as Dear Sirs and Mamas. Phyllis Howard. We were marching to the chow hall when we spotted a pathetic-looking recruit standing at attention by a mailbox, a whole book of stamps plastered to his forehead. StrategyPage's Military Jokes and Military Humor. Ask the Army to secure a building and they will set up a perimeter around it and make sure nobody gets out. My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. 5) The Franco-Prussian War ended in a stalemate and had to be settled by a winner-take-all game of backgammon played by the two countries prime ministers. How did I know my new coworker was a veteran? Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 bomber that had one engine shut down. My friend kept asking what my military rank was, but I kept telling him its Private. Two Army second lieutenants started debating over certain distances. As part of my Naval Reserve requirements at Emory University Dental School, I attended a talk about proper dental procedures following nuclear warfare. He replied, When they stopped shooting at me.. Founded in 2010, Thought Catalog is owned and operated by The Thought & Expression Company, Inc. For over a decade, we've been at the bleeding edge of media, pioneering an infrastructure for creatives to flourish both artistically and financially. MARCH! Military 3. Long Haul I was standing watch when an old, run-down freighter named Sagar Moti passed by. The cruiser opened up, shells furiously flying all around the drone but not hitting it. I thought you had to be in relatively good shape to join the Marines.. The modern age of military aviation is often considered to begin around the conclusion of the Vietnam war. WARNING: Tons of dad jokes lie ahead. My friend stopped, turned around, and glared at the airman. You can always leave the joke in a funny mug, or a pilot mug if the person is into aviation. The Air Force will take out a five-year lease with an option to buy at the end. In the 50s, I was a clerk typist at our base headquarters in Verdun, France. 13:30 comes and goes. Everything from puns to some sarcastic one-liners are included in the Army jokes below to crack on an Army member you know and love. (Hang up. P | Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent. When the sailor finishes up, he heads to the sink to wash his hands. When a soldier came to the clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an attractive, young technician. S | Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words. Did you make it all by yourself? Warren and Joy agreed and up they went. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, Did you ever kill anyone? His son had clearly focussed more on dividing rather than conquering. You might be in the Coast Guard if you think of Fridays as field days. During a combat medical training class, the topic was blast injuries. Did you hear about the big accident on base? 9. Do not attempt to shave with fire. Son, you are going to have to make up your mind about growing up and becoming a pilot. A Flight Attendant's comment after a less than perfect landing; We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal, 17. Thanks. I met his wife and baby and was impressed that he had all his flight gear neatly laid out on a table. Having been an architectural draftsman in civilian life, I raised my hand. Here soldiers share what theyve gleaned from past gaffes: Related read: 11 of the Best Veteran Memes That Perfectly Sum Up Veteran Humor. 15. I would stay behind and neatly print each soldiers name onto his Army-issued underwear. 'There are bold pilots, and old pilots, but very few old bold pilots.' - 1930s Army Air Corps Sign. He wanted to move out of the barracks as soon as possible. She approached one of the women for an explanation: What enabled women here to achieve this marvelous reversal of roles? Land mines, replied the Kuwaiti woman. As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. As I stepped forward, she jokingly offered me one, but I passed. Multi Engine Training Manual When one engine fails on a twin-engine aircraft, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash, 48. Rodrigues there? Anyone wanting to take pictures on our bases airfield needs a letter from public affairs, which happens to be me. . On previous visits, she noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands. "It took us a while to find a new pilot." Why did the airplane get sent to his room? More information More like this Aircraft Engineers 1. Because the Army needed heroes too. I cant, he said, but thats his worry now., An Air Force pilot says to a seaman, Youre in the Navy but you cant swim?, The seaman replies, Are you saying that since youre in the Air Force youre able to fly?. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we landit's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern". It was World War IIthe frontand we were on high alert. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. The Best Short Military Jokes 1. However, even with full power, the little plane could not handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off. I was very nervous, she said. We know that there are hundreds and hundreds of military jokes out there. 7. A LOOtenant! The INFANTry! Yes, she said. Sure, its hilarious to poke fun at rival branches sometimes. Nothing, she said. Me: Hello? A visitor, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by a sociological change. The military refers to a collection of all the armed forces of a particular country.. The dog is there to bite the pilot if the man so much .